I had been looking for a boyfriend. I am not right now because when I did search for a boyfriend, I had so many bad experiences, and I'm giving up on it. I dated with many guys; some of them aren't too bad, some are total assholes. But none of them seemed right. What I want is someone that I can talk with, have fun with, share the feelings with, and love.
You think I'm asking too much? That's why I can't find anybody? Maybe so.. but I can't compromise these. Being with someone who can't have feeling with me, is completely a waste of time.
However, I have to admit that I slept with some guys I totally don't care. Though I don't want to have anything to do with assholes, physically, I want a sexual intercourse. This sounds a little excuse, but I'm young, and I feel like I desire sex more than average. You can't deny that it feels real good, no matter if you love him or not although it's much better to do with someone you love. I had sex with 4 people in these 2 months. I'm not trying show off this number. I am even ashamed of it. But after I came back from US, I was so damn lonely, and I needed affection so badly. So when someone suggested having sex, I usually said yes.
What an easy woman, you probably say. I was stupid, yes, but look, you have to understand how lonely I was. When someone touches me, kisses me, hold me, I could feel like I'm loved even though that is completely not true. And of course after those sexes, I felt even worse. Have you ever had sex with someone you don't love? If you have, then you know how it feels. Emptiness. But it is a hell of temptation though I knew how I would feel afterwards.
But I completely quitted doing it after one incident. I never told anybody this story, because I don't want to remember about it, but I would like to write about it today. One day, I went out and kind of got to know one guy. He suggested to go to his place and have some coffees before call it a night. I said no first, but he said he won't do anything, and it would be just talking. It sounded really nice, and since I haven't done it for awhile, maybe I wanted to have sex with him. I don't know.. Anyway, I decided to drop by a little bit. Then, coffee never came. He just started to touch me, kiss me right after we got inside. I've tried to stop him. I really didn't want to have sex that time because I was in period. So I told him I was in period. After he heard that, he took his pants off, and suddenly put his penis in my mouth. I was so surprised and pushed him back. But he was so strong and I couldn't do anything. He then grubbed my head, moved it in and out, and finally came deep inside of my throat. Oh god.. Oh my god.. You have no idea how I felt when he did that. I then coughed so hard. He looked at me and gave me tissue papers, and then fell in sleep. He didn't even care.
After that, I felt like I worth nothing. I couldn't even cry. It was horrible experience. All the guys are asshole.. I don't want to think like that, but after this incident, I feel so sick of men. Is there really any man who respects who she is? Maybe he says he does, but actually maybe he fucking isn't. We are not sex machine.. We are human beings. Is there any man who knows that in this world?